For you to remember and to acknowledge: here is what your first leg of recovery looked like.
You went in for surgery on September 16th. As soon as you woke up, you knew you needed to hold someone’s hand and asked for the nurse’s hand. Obligingly, she held you hand and you relaxed a bit. Breathing felt strange, like you had to really work to breathe, like your lungs couldn’t fill completely. And holding the nurse’s hand helped ground you. When the nurse put your hand down, you flagged her down with your hands because you couldn’t speak. She had another job to do, so per your request, she called Victor, who luckily was down the hall, waiting for you to wake up. So he came to hold your hand. As he took your hand he said, “You had cancer, babe.”
You couldn’t really respond to that because your mind was focused on how to breathe. Victor and Christina took turns staying with you while you were in the hospital for the next four days, which are fuzzy now. I suppose that’s to be expected given all the pain medication you were given. But you were walking the day after surgery—even with 3 things attached to you: an epidural, a urinal catheter and the chest tube that felt like its was woven through your ribs. During your walks to the nurses station, the nurses remarked that you seemed like someone who was active and that made you feel proud. Your second walk was at a decent pace and you felt like you were going to be a champ at this recovery thing.
On Day 1 of recovery, Timyas came to see you after his scrimmage. Good job, by the way, setting things up so that he could keep his focus on school, baseball and living his life, while you were dealing with this. He was clearly shaken by the sight of you with oxygen tubes, heart monitors and all the other attachments to your body. So when he asked if it was cancer, you answered yes, that was a heavy blow. And you held his hand and comforted him, telling him it was going to be okay, not entirely sure what that really meant, but believing it was true. Hoping that it was caught early enough that you could look forward to being around to mother him for a very, very long time to come.
On Day 2, after your third walk, you sat down and got on the phone with your sister and the pain kicked in. This is when you learned that walking and talking do not mix well for now. While the nurses worked to keep your pain below a 5, this pain quickly became an 8 or 9. It was excruciating to breathe. You could not speak at all so when the nurses asked you what your pain level was, you had to write it, which was not easy—”8 or 9.” It took what seemed like an eternity for the pain medication to work after that (in reality it was about an hour). But it did, and you were eventually able to sleep. Christina made sure you were at a manageable pain level before she left that night.
On Day 3, the medical team took out the epidural, the catheter and finally the chest tube. The pain continued at a 3-4, but never went back to 8-9. You had two incisions. One large one under your left shoulder from where they removed a piece of your lung. And a smaller one on the side of your ribcage from where the chest tube went in. After the tube was removed, you had some coughing, which was quite painful and your even had some drainage as you coughed. It wasn’t blood—it looked like martian slime. So you opted to stay in the hospital another day to be monitored. No leaking martian slime at of your ribs while at home for crying out loud.
Day 4 was your release and what seemed like a miraculous beginning of your home recovery. Victor took you to the beach and you were filled with joy and gratitude. When you came back to the house you were greeted with love from your sons and gorgeous flowers from your Diwata Circle.
Days 5-7 you were treated by Victor with to more trips to the beach, new houseplants, and parenting for your boys. You were taking walks around the block and feeling optimistic about bouncing back and a positive prognosis. Maybe all this would soon be a blip in your past. On Days 8,9, and 10 Christina, Allyson and Lariza came to keep you company and feed your family. You were showered with love, care, and gifts.
On Day 11, you could feel the pneumothorax starting to happen on your right side. So when you went to your follow up on Day 12, the doctors confirmed that you were right based on your lung x-ray from that morning. You knew that feeling—you’ve had it at least a dozen other times in the past five years and your body was able to recover on its own. So docs said, go home and let it recover. If it gets worse, they said, call us and we will take care of it. As the day went on, you grew more concerned. This was different. Maybe it was just because your whole body was recovering from the trauma of surgery so it felt worse. Or maybe this was just worse. After dinner, you showered and found yourself short of breath—even more so than right after surgery. You couldn’t walk without struggling to breathe. As the boys got ready for bed you sat on the couch and had to lean over a pillow in order to breathe. You had Victor call Dr. T because you could barely speak. He conveyed what was happening and she advised you to go the ER. So you and Victor packed your wallet, purse, meds, phone and told the boys to put themselves to bed. It took you almost five minutes to walk to the car because you had to move that slow in order to keep breathing.
Claudine, you didn’t panic. You knew your body well enough to know you had to call the doctor and that you had to go the ER. You calmly looked at the boys to ensure them that you were present and okay while you slowly walked out of the house. You didn’t let your pride get in the way. You asked for what you needed from Victor and the kids. You let Victor take care of you. And you never stopped being grateful even as your road to recovery began to take a detour. You did good here, mama. See yourself. See how your work and practice gave you what you needed to move through this moment with such grace, composure and faith.
And through all of this, you continued to show up for yourself, for Tossie and for folks in the circle you two co-created. through blood and bone. https://www.instagram.com/tv/CUC-Bw5Fvl9/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
to be continued…
Day 1 of Recovery
Day 4 of Recovery - release and gratitude at the ocean
