I am currently resurfacing from what felt like a two-week panic attack. My baseline anxiety about the state of my health has been on a rollercoaster since I decided to partner with my primary doctor in a deep dive to assess all my different systems. I’ve seen a list of more than a dozen specialists…pulmonology, oncology, gynecology, allergist, ear nose throat, rheumatology, oral medicine…and I was not prepared for the level of cyclical worry it has stirred up in my life.
But then we had the coldest, longest winter that I can remember having in the Bay Area—which climaxed with a three day power outage in the middle of March. The day after we got our power back, we received horrible news that my son’s best friend had died. That was the day my panic really set in.
It was Saturday, March 18 and I got the call while driving to my first tennis competition. After pulling over to cry for 30 minutes, I drove myself to the tennis court because I knew I had to move my body. As I played, I could feel aches and pains in my throat, my face, my ears.
As the days went on, the sensations in my neck, face and ears got worse. And I was prescribed with anti-anxiety medication. For a week after that I tried going for runs, breathing exercises, yoga, walking, but I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing from “what is wrong with my body” to “why did this happen to him” to “i wish the sun would just come out” back to “am i dying?” My ears started ringing and I was calling and messaging my various doctors several times a day. Then on WEdnesday of last week, my tongue started feeling tingly and burny when I ate. That night, I decided to take the anti-anxiety pills.
I prayed with my friend Tossie—because I love her prayers and because now I believe that people praying together multiplies the power of the prayer. I prayed for the medicine to be gentle and to help me get through this moment and to allow the providers to help me in healing. THen I had one of the worst nights I can ever remember.
Not only did the symptoms get worse, my neck, face and ears were burning. I couldn’t sleep. I wondered if I would have to check myself into a facility because I felt completely out of control of my body.